Last year, I had a big Christmas tree for my big apartment in the big metropolis. I put it up before Halloween (when I bought it for super-cheap) and, well, kept it up for an embarrassingly long time after Christmas. It was fake, so no need to picture kindling with lights plugged into my power strip in a poorly-wired old building. The rest is true, just not the kindling part.
Once Christmas had come and gone, I never quite got around to putting the tree away. After some oft-repeated jeering by a friend who demanded to know when my tree would be retired, I responded with a quick, "Arbor Day." And, the line had been drawn: the tree was going to stay up until May. By the way, this is the same friend who never quite got over the facts that my socks never match. each other.
I aptly renamed it the Holiday Tree and thought about decorating it for Groundhog Day, President's Day, Valentine's Day, Secretaries Day, Marx's birthday (and world-wide Labor Day), etc. That never happened, as I'm extremely lazy. Eventually, Miss Havisham managed to knock all the ornaments to the ground. All that remained were some red lights, which matched my red-infused living room. Quite an appropriate decorative touch, I thought.
The Arbor Day goal ended abruptly in March, however. I began seeing one hot Egyptian dentist ("Ed") The night before one of our dates, Ed suggested we go to my place for drinks after dinner. It sounded like a good plan until I gazed upon my tree. Considering his background, I thought he may not appreciate my humor. After all, dentists aren't known for their quirky sense of humor. You thought I was going to say it was because he was Egyptian, didn't you? Shame on you. Moving on...Three cats was hard enough to pull off, especially when one is missing an appendage, so, in an effort to not look crazy, I quickly shoved the tree back into its box and into the closet. (by the way, it wasn't worth it. I moved, Ed didn't, he doesn't visit me, I won't visit him until he visits me, and so on and so on).
This summer, the tree accompanied me and the cats to our new home 500 miles across the prairie to my little apartment in my minitropolis. However, my little apartment isn't suited for a tree more than a foot or two tall. And, I haven't been in the best of holiday spirits, lately. And, I hate Christmas music (which my mom tells me makes me sound like a heathen). So, I decided to forgo the tree this year.
Then, it started to look a lot like Christmas this week, what with all the snow, ice, sub-zero weather, and neighborhood amateur holiday decorating that could only look good on an acid trip.
Tonight, I braved the sub-zero temps, ice-ridden streets and, most dangerous, the half-dead drivers that plot to kill me daily, and went to Target. And proved how cool I am on a Friday night, but that's a different issue. I wheeled past the Christmas section and decided my cats needed stockings. No comments please. Then, I realized that I couldn't have stockings without a tree. So, I loaded a fiber-optically prelit tree, about 2 feet high, into my cart, and went on my merry way. The tree is up, with about 12 glitter-covered bulbs carefully threaded over the fiber-optic needles.
Did you know that bulbs don't come with hooks? What is that about? It must be some kind of conspiracy by the decoration companies. Similar to the conspiracy between the hot dog manufacturers and the hot dog bun companies. 8 hot dogs, 10 buns. You only end up even if you buy 10 packs of hot dogs and 8 bags of buns. Think about it.
I've given into the holiday spirit, once again. Linus would be proud. But I still refuse to listen to any fucking Christmas music.
Oh, and I had McDonald's for dinner. (see how I buried that at the bottom of a really long, boring, pointless story?)
Once Christmas had come and gone, I never quite got around to putting the tree away. After some oft-repeated jeering by a friend who demanded to know when my tree would be retired, I responded with a quick, "Arbor Day." And, the line had been drawn: the tree was going to stay up until May. By the way, this is the same friend who never quite got over the facts that my socks never match. each other.
I aptly renamed it the Holiday Tree and thought about decorating it for Groundhog Day, President's Day, Valentine's Day, Secretaries Day, Marx's birthday (and world-wide Labor Day), etc. That never happened, as I'm extremely lazy. Eventually, Miss Havisham managed to knock all the ornaments to the ground. All that remained were some red lights, which matched my red-infused living room. Quite an appropriate decorative touch, I thought.
The Arbor Day goal ended abruptly in March, however. I began seeing one hot Egyptian dentist ("Ed") The night before one of our dates, Ed suggested we go to my place for drinks after dinner. It sounded like a good plan until I gazed upon my tree. Considering his background, I thought he may not appreciate my humor. After all, dentists aren't known for their quirky sense of humor. You thought I was going to say it was because he was Egyptian, didn't you? Shame on you. Moving on...Three cats was hard enough to pull off, especially when one is missing an appendage, so, in an effort to not look crazy, I quickly shoved the tree back into its box and into the closet. (by the way, it wasn't worth it. I moved, Ed didn't, he doesn't visit me, I won't visit him until he visits me, and so on and so on).
This summer, the tree accompanied me and the cats to our new home 500 miles across the prairie to my little apartment in my minitropolis. However, my little apartment isn't suited for a tree more than a foot or two tall. And, I haven't been in the best of holiday spirits, lately. And, I hate Christmas music (which my mom tells me makes me sound like a heathen). So, I decided to forgo the tree this year.
Then, it started to look a lot like Christmas this week, what with all the snow, ice, sub-zero weather, and neighborhood amateur holiday decorating that could only look good on an acid trip.
Tonight, I braved the sub-zero temps, ice-ridden streets and, most dangerous, the half-dead drivers that plot to kill me daily, and went to Target. And proved how cool I am on a Friday night, but that's a different issue. I wheeled past the Christmas section and decided my cats needed stockings. No comments please. Then, I realized that I couldn't have stockings without a tree. So, I loaded a fiber-optically prelit tree, about 2 feet high, into my cart, and went on my merry way. The tree is up, with about 12 glitter-covered bulbs carefully threaded over the fiber-optic needles.
Did you know that bulbs don't come with hooks? What is that about? It must be some kind of conspiracy by the decoration companies. Similar to the conspiracy between the hot dog manufacturers and the hot dog bun companies. 8 hot dogs, 10 buns. You only end up even if you buy 10 packs of hot dogs and 8 bags of buns. Think about it.
I've given into the holiday spirit, once again. Linus would be proud. But I still refuse to listen to any fucking Christmas music.
Oh, and I had McDonald's for dinner. (see how I buried that at the bottom of a really long, boring, pointless story?)
10 comments:
Oddly enough, after reading the whole report of your cosmopolitain Friday night, the only thing that I remember is that you had McDonald's for dinner.
Actually, you end up even if you buy 5 bags of hot dogs and 4 bags of buns
Merry Christmas!! Right now I'm still debating about the decorations - but that's mainly since we're not sure where we'll be living by then. Who knows maybe we'll be moving by then :)
I'm making Knoephla soup for dinner tonite. Did you read the article in the Tribune about the "best knoephla soup in the world" or some crap like that. Gave me a mean craving.
I LOVE knoephla soup. I made a good batch of it a few weeks ago and then my mom bungled my recipe over Thanksgiving and, well, that cured my cravings for awhile. She decided to "add some boullion" to it and it was the saltiest, sickest thing I've ever tasted. Kroll's has probaly the worst Knoephla soup I've ever had, even after my mom's fiasco.
Are you moving here, Tanya? Details, please!
HLC, I don't appreciate you showing me up on your math skills. It's poor form and you make me feel inadequate. I thought all lawyers were supposed to be devoid of any math skills.
HA - Hey, I'm just trying to keep it real, yo.
didn't we cover the whole christmas orniments not coming with hooks last year when you bought the first tree around veteran's day (when I was visiting the cats)? Also I thought you made the cats stockings last year...
Shut up, Jenny! Yes, I remembered that the other day, after the hook blow-up. And, I made the cats stockings last year, but they're in the box with the big christmas tree. Way too much work...
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