She's Come Undone

Where do I begin.... Today has been the most brutal of days. It was the worst of times. It was the worst of times. It began with the, "I'm going back to my wife."

Then, I had to go perform my professional responsibility, which I can't get into, but I assure you it totally sucks ass.

Those two things were enough to bring me to tears. I was throwing myself a pity-party in my living room when my phone rang. I managed to dry my eyes and answer. It was my sister. My younger sister. Bridezilla, as you may recall. She was calling to relay the news that my family has decided that I'm headed for bankruptcy and she's coming over to my house later this week to take control of my finances.

In an astonishing move, she then threw in little details about my finances that one would only know had they gone through my checking account, debit by debit, to find out. For example, she casually mentioned that, for instance, I shouldn't spend X amount of dollars on someone's Christmas gift (which she nailed, price-wise). She didn't mean to give herself away so easily, I'm sure, and an untrained person probably wouldn't have caught it. I might be dumb, but I'm still a lawyer.

My sister then went on to berate me for my spending habits, asking repeatedly, "do you get it?" and "don't you understand?" No, I don't get it. I only have a college degree, a law degree, and five law licenses (six if you count tribal court). I don't know how I manage to dress myself or program my tivo. I'm a complete fucking idiot, especially when compared to you, the one with the four-year degree and the child for a husband.

So, after a good beating, the dam finally broke. And then, in typical form, she criticized me for crying. When I explained that I was in tears before I picked up the phone, she proceeded to tell me how stupid I was for getting upset about the first two items that made my day so enjoyable. She offered up some unethical advice on the second issue and burned me in effigy over the first.

Then came the dénouement. My sister announced all of my problems would be solved when I completed the biggest part of her plan to take over my world. I will move in with my parents this Spring. Get fucked. She then added, as a bonus, or even silver-lining to this plan, I would be able to lose weight because I would eat at home and my mom would cook for me. Or control everything that goes into my body.

Near as I can tell, her plan is to rape and pillage my soul until I become one of The Others. I think it's a vast conspiracy to turn me into a republican before the 2008 presidential election.