The Keating Five

It was a rocky morning, but my FICO and I are on the mend. The Fed (a/k/a my father) announced late this afternoon that it agreed to perform an S&L bailout.

This was a surprising turn of events, in light of the phone call I received from the Fed this morning. The Fed called, demanding to know where I was and, presumably, why I wasn't at work. I have gone into survival mode, speaking only when necessary and offering unacceptable but honest answers when confronted. I relayed that I was, in fact, in bed. It was too much effort to face the day before noon. The Fed then demanded that I get some discipline in my life, clean my house, go to bed early, get up early, and walk to work to save gas (seriously, it's five blocks and zero degrees outside). The Fed then barked, "I love you," and abruptly hung up the phone.

The Fed reconsidered its earlier news release when I submitted an explanation as to why I had not notified the Fed of any need for assistance. I pointed out that, when I previously asked for assistance, I received none. Instead, I received a "figure it out on your own or you're never going to learn" response. The Fed's policy has been in place for at least twenty-nine years and, before today, was unyielding to any public pressure to change.

For example, the last time the Fed offered any assistance, it was in the form of a twenty dollar bill, provided to (partially) fund a night of binge drinking when I was a first-year law student home for the holidays. That was seven years ago. The Fed also required that I subsidize my own school lunches beginning at age 14 because I was gainfully employed during the summer months at the Fed earning $3.60 per hour. At other times assistance has been requested, the Fed has produced official bank loan papers at a less than competitive interest rate, so as to comply with FDIC examiners' requirement that insiders receive no benefit for being an insider.

In light of the above, the Fed's announcement this afternoon was a utter, but welcome, surprise. However, the Fed officially announced it's position on my living situation. Inside sources initially revealed that it would be announced I would be moving into my parents' new home (with them living there, too), within several months' time for a period of six months to one year. This was confirmed by both the Fed and his wife.

The Fed's wife stopped by this evening to buy me groceries and color my hair. However, it was also to "talk" to me. She suggested that I get off all my medication. When I asked, "why?" she stated I was too young to be on all that stuff and wouldn't it be great to find other ways to solve my problems? Um, no, I'm perfectly fine, thank you.

She offered a cure for insomnia, given to her by her acupuncturist. I should talk calcium, magnesium and a handful of walnuts at bedtime. You know, benzo's (valium-type drugs that are hella-addictive and strong) didn't work for me, but I'm sure vitamins will be great. She then told me that I don't know what I'm talking about and she understands the history of psychiatry. OK, that didn't happen, but it seemed like it was about to. I have reason to believe Mr. and Mrs. The Fed are scientologists.

Oh, and I can't have my tivo when I move in. It's an unnecessary expense. It's $12.95 per month. I'm also not allowed to call my sister the "c" word anymore.

Finally, at the end of our evening, Mrs. The Fed offered to spend the night. Really? No, thanks. No, really. Hit the road, crack pot. She then asked if I was going to do anything crazy like hurt myself. So, she totally came down here to perform a suicide watch. I assured her that I would not. I thought about adding it might come to that if she didn't leave.

The bottom line is that my family has placed my financial "crisis" on the same plane as heroin addiction.

In all seriousness, I'm back to my old self again this evening. I don't feel better or worse than I did two nights ago, before I went through yesterday. The only thing to do is deal with it and move forward.