Valley of the Dolls

If you know me, then you know I have insomnia. The self-diagnosed kind for years and, since 2004, the truly diagnosed kind. What's the difference? Nothing, really, except validation from someone with a medical degree.

The key, of course, is to get to the root of the problem. My doctor attempted to do that in November. Unfortunately, the aging population of the Magic City has convinced those at the hospital's sleep lab that the only thing that ails ye is sleep apnea round these parts. I won't relive the sordid details, except to say that both my completed 12-page questionairre and my doctor's request indicated I had sleep-onset insomnia, which means I can't fall asleep. Even if I did have sleep apnea, that wouldn't prevent me from FALLING asleep.

From the moment I showed up in my PJs with my temperpedic pillow, the only chatter I received from the nurse involved sleep apnea. The monitors under my nose were to test sleep apnea. The informational DVD was on sleep apnea. The reason I had to sleep on my back (not a normal position that promotes sleep for me) was to more quickly detect sleep apnea. Etc., etc., etc....

So, after laying awake in my sleep study bed for an hour, a nurse barged in with a flashlight and, with more than a hint of irritation in her voice, told me, "you're not sleeping!." No shit. If I was, I wouldn't fucking need to be here. So, she actually ordered that I take my sleeping pills. I protested and asked why it would be useful, "Well, so we can watch you sleep to find out what your sleep problems are." FUCK. Again, if you WERE watching me sleep, I wouldn't need to be here! Whatever, I gave up and took the dolly I so adored with me to my bed.

After I lay back down, my frustration subsided as the coziness of the doll began to take over. Within the next hour, I drifted off to sleep, despite the electrodes glued to my head, face, chest, neck, stomach, and ankles.

I was awoken by a new nurse. As she walked me out the door, she asked me if I remembered grinding me teeth, or if my dentist had ever noticed. Negative, and negative. Then, she proudly mentioned that I did not, in fact, have sleep apnea. What? No! Really? Of course not, dip shit. Thanks for wasting my evening.

My doctor and I met after the sleep study results were computed. Actually, we met the first time they were suppoed to be available. I gave her a heads' up about the sleep apnea issue. Then, we met later to review the study. It wasn't so much of a review as, as she put it, "a complete waste of time." And, she again confimred that I did not have sleep apnea.

So, the list of the dolls......
1. Trazadone: aweful

2. Ambien: my favorite dolly, used on and off since 2004.

3. Elavil: okay, not enough of a kick to put me into sleep land, resltess leg syndrome

4. Remeron: my second-favorite dolly. Until I found out it was likely a main cause for my 40# weight explosion. The ther 40# was me, i have no doubts.

5. Lunesta: didn't work

6. Sonata: nothing

7. Buspar: slightly weird feeling (anti-anxiety med) but didn't help sleep, just feel creepy.

8. Ambien CR: crazy emails, shopping, etc. take too many pills (which I can't even get into right now - only HLC knows the extent) In comparison, Ambien is far less crazy-making)

9. Imbotrol ( compo of a benzo and elavil - together, 2 hard of sleep, apart, not effective)

10. Rameltom : Nothing (even though it's a benzo)

11. Prosom:Cross your fingers!!!!!!

12. ???

I will almost panic if we get down to this one on the list and have nothing appropriate for my sleep problem. I'd rather me mildly crazy on ambien than I would strung out off ambien.

So, the point is this: There must be a valley of the dolls, a valley more deep than 12 sleep aids. Or I need to pitch a "Night Court." here in the Magic City. Loved that show when I was a kid, I could totally do it.

Well, better go, Ambien's kicked in. Please offer any advice, preferabaly presecription drug advice.

And, just so you don't irritate me in the way my family does, please don't suggest that I should just through all my pills away and go to bed earlier. Nor should you say that, If I got some counseling, I'd be able to sleep without any assistance. And, then I could get rid of my antidepressants, too, is where that load's reading.