I love free speech. I really do. You can rummage through my wallet to find my ACLU card next time you see me, if you want proof. I love words, too. I even have favorite words. That's how much of a geek I am. Plethora, penumbra, and superfluous, to name a few. However, even I have my limits. Nazis can march in Skokie. Flags can burn in Texas. Phelps can protest military funerals. I can still hate those people though. I can still pity them for their ignorance. I can still feel for the victims of their invectives. I still believe that, just because they can do it doesn't mean they should do it. And that's what it's really about. Can and should are two different things. By the way, if you're looking for a NAMBLA endorsement here, you won't find one. And, no, that doesn't make me a hypocrite. But that's a different issue for a different day.
This whole Don Imus thing got me thinking. I'm not going to talk about it, but it did spin off a whole other flurry of thoughts. There are two words in the English language that I can't bring myself to say out loud (three if one is used as a slur and not as a description of someone's faith or ethnicity: that's the "J word".) They are the "N word" and the "R word. I can't say them. I can't even type them. I can barely stand to hear them without a visceral reaction. By the way, the "C word" doesn't bother me at all. I use it against Bridezilla all the time. Wrong, I know. Back to the topic at hand...
The "R word." Like so many others, I used to laugh and think it was funny to hurl as an insult. Until I was about 10, anyway. Then, my older brother, who is developmentally impaired (I guess that's the latest "p.c." phrase), came home from school one day and used it against me in an argument. And that's when I realized that the other kids at school had said it to his face. And meant it. It shamed me and broke my heart at the same time.
It's only been in the last six or seven years that I could admit to anyone who didn't know my family already that my brother has special needs. It wasn't that I was ashamed of him. I just didn't want them to judge him. Or laugh at him. Or pity him. Or talk about him. If they heard that without knowing him, he would exist in their minds only as a disability, the "R word," even. I have ex-boyfriends who don't know about my brother. I interviewed for Harvard and, when asked about each of my siblings, I couldn't even then bring myself to talk about my brother.
Maybe I was ashamed. Maybe I just didn't want to talk about it. Maybe I didn't know how to talk about it. It's hard knowing that your a big sister to your older brother. It's painful to hear him talk fondly of schoolmates who were nothing but evil to him. I don't believe in Hell, but, if there is one, there's a special place for those people. It's suffocating to realize that his whole life has so many limitations that can't be changed, so many problems that can't be solved. I know I shouldn't pity him or feel sorry for him, but I can't help myself sometimes.
I purposefully excluded him from my class reunion last summer, even though I was organizing it. I was torn. Afterall, his whole childhood was one of exclusion. But, I didn't want him to be, yet again, the entertainment for the dim-witted, sophomoric assholes we grew up with. Oddly enough, Bridezilla's fiance helped me decide whether I would bring my brother to the reunion. He asked, "Can they be respectful of him?" I realized that I didn't know the answer to that question. That was enough for me know. It wasn't worth the risk.
Anyway, what's this post about? I came across a pledge on the web. By signing it, you pledge to never again use the "R word" in an insulting manner. I don't expect you to sign it, and I won't judge you if you don't. However, as a favor to me, I would ask that you don't send a dagger into my heart by using it around me. I know it's not intentional and, in fact, I usually don't correct it when I'm around my friends because I know they'll feel like a huge asshole if I do bring it up. I'm not here to shame. I just want a better lexicon. For a better world? Maybe.
http://new.petitiononline.com/words/petition.html
3 comments:
i try very hard to make Mr. A stop using that word but i haven't won yet. i even told him about your brother and how you changed my way of viewing that word. i still don't hold it as high as the N word or certain usages of the J word as far as negative reactions go but i do understand that there are other terms that can be used to express what he wants to express. in IL they call it DD or developmentally disabled. i think that is a PC kin to your PC word and i think that is an acceptable term. Mr. A doesn't ever say the R word when referring to people he only uses it in reference to either when i do something seriously dumb like last friday morning when i was attacked by the garbage disposal, hit my head on the kitchen counter and then took a huge "awesome" fall while running down a very busy street all and have the bruises to show for it, all in one morning; or when he refers to that special kitty of mine. i have asked that he please refer to her as "special" or even "short bus kitty" would be acceptable. he still calls her "little R." so if you ever meet him and he talks about special kitty and uses the R word, know that i tried and i'm sorry.
summer
Thank you for you post, summer. I understand it's an uphill battle and I appreciate that you even think about it. That's enough for me.
I agree. I try very hard not to use that word. It slips out every blue moon, though, I have to admit. Never about someone who is developmentally disabled. I really like your brother, he makes me laugh all the time. He is much more honest than most people which is refreshing. Oh, and I did flog Jason for his immitation a few weeks ago. It's something Phil and he do after that movie Ringer. I hate it.
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