I'm a mess

I know, I know, you're all shocked. I've always known I'm a mess, but I think I've become almost philosophical about it or, for lack of a better explanation, resigned to it and yet removed from it. I'm not upset, I'm not sad, I'm not anything. It just is what it is.

The reality of my life hasn't changed since I traveled into the valley of the dolls (the anti-depressant kind) three years ago. In a lot of ways, it's worse. I'm living in the middle of nowhere with more animals than friends within a 100-mile radius. What has changed is my perception. You'd think a change in perception would lead to a change in reality, a/k/a making better choices and so on and so forth. Nope, same bad choices, more ambivalence. I only make fewer bad choices, because there are less things within my reach with which I can harm myself (friends, men, booze, etc.). It's a per capita decrease, so to speak, and there's no statistical significance. I'm probably more pleasant to be around, yet there are fewer people to be around.
Logically speaking, I know it's worse. But it doesn't feel worse. It feels better. And that can't be right, can it?

What it comes down to is this: I'd trade my best day in the Magic City for a night of crying over a crack smoking ex-boyfriend on the bathroom floor of the Red Lyon while Summer wipes my eyes with one-ply toilet paper and hands me my beer.

But, I am thankful that I'm not Geraldo. As further evidence of his inaility or lack of integrity as a journalist, which has been displayed ad nauseum since the Al Capone incident, he actually interviewed Mark Fuhrman about the school shooting today. And, the subtext of his "coverage" included the nationality of the Virginia Tech shooter. Too soon.

By the way, HLC, notice the lack of typos. No hypnotic dolls.

Taxes

Ich bin pleite. Scheisse.

Why Some Words Hurt More Than Others

I love free speech. I really do. You can rummage through my wallet to find my ACLU card next time you see me, if you want proof. I love words, too. I even have favorite words. That's how much of a geek I am. Plethora, penumbra, and superfluous, to name a few. However, even I have my limits. Nazis can march in Skokie. Flags can burn in Texas. Phelps can protest military funerals. I can still hate those people though. I can still pity them for their ignorance. I can still feel for the victims of their invectives. I still believe that, just because they can do it doesn't mean they should do it. And that's what it's really about. Can and should are two different things. By the way, if you're looking for a NAMBLA endorsement here, you won't find one. And, no, that doesn't make me a hypocrite. But that's a different issue for a different day.

This whole Don Imus thing got me thinking. I'm not going to talk about it, but it did spin off a whole other flurry of thoughts. There are two words in the English language that I can't bring myself to say out loud (three if one is used as a slur and not as a description of someone's faith or ethnicity: that's the "J word".) They are the "N word" and the "R word. I can't say them. I can't even type them. I can barely stand to hear them without a visceral reaction. By the way, the "C word" doesn't bother me at all. I use it against Bridezilla all the time. Wrong, I know. Back to the topic at hand...

The "R word." Like so many others, I used to laugh and think it was funny to hurl as an insult. Until I was about 10, anyway. Then, my older brother, who is developmentally impaired (I guess that's the latest "p.c." phrase), came home from school one day and used it against me in an argument. And that's when I realized that the other kids at school had said it to his face. And meant it. It shamed me and broke my heart at the same time.

It's only been in the last six or seven years that I could admit to anyone who didn't know my family already that my brother has special needs. It wasn't that I was ashamed of him. I just didn't want them to judge him. Or laugh at him. Or pity him. Or talk about him. If they heard that without knowing him, he would exist in their minds only as a disability, the "R word," even. I have ex-boyfriends who don't know about my brother. I interviewed for Harvard and, when asked about each of my siblings, I couldn't even then bring myself to talk about my brother.

Maybe I was ashamed. Maybe I just didn't want to talk about it. Maybe I didn't know how to talk about it. It's hard knowing that your a big sister to your older brother. It's painful to hear him talk fondly of schoolmates who were nothing but evil to him. I don't believe in Hell, but, if there is one, there's a special place for those people. It's suffocating to realize that his whole life has so many limitations that can't be changed, so many problems that can't be solved. I know I shouldn't pity him or feel sorry for him, but I can't help myself sometimes.

I purposefully excluded him from my class reunion last summer, even though I was organizing it. I was torn. Afterall, his whole childhood was one of exclusion. But, I didn't want him to be, yet again, the entertainment for the dim-witted, sophomoric assholes we grew up with. Oddly enough, Bridezilla's fiance helped me decide whether I would bring my brother to the reunion. He asked, "Can they be respectful of him?" I realized that I didn't know the answer to that question. That was enough for me know. It wasn't worth the risk.

Anyway, what's this post about? I came across a pledge on the web. By signing it, you pledge to never again use the "R word" in an insulting manner. I don't expect you to sign it, and I won't judge you if you don't. However, as a favor to me, I would ask that you don't send a dagger into my heart by using it around me. I know it's not intentional and, in fact, I usually don't correct it when I'm around my friends because I know they'll feel like a huge asshole if I do bring it up. I'm not here to shame. I just want a better lexicon. For a better world? Maybe.

http://new.petitiononline.com/words/petition.html

Tanya, look!

Look what I found! Yes, that's me to the left of the bride (my good friend Tanya of "Mike & Tanya's World" see the link to her blog).

That was 85 hair colors, 3 cats and a dog ago. Before I skidded down a sidewalk while screaming I'm awesome or understood what real humidity felt like. Long before I was ever fired. Before my first apartment or my first car. Before I smoked in my own place. Back when I enjoyed my sister, Bridezilla, and felt more like her than different from her. Before the dolls. Back when I loved John Keats and Upton Sinclair, discussing literature and political theories instead of statutes and retainers.

Ah, to be young and (a different kind of) miserable again.

The Other Shoe Drops

I think I confused Lolly with this shoe. Let me know if you prefer this one to the others. Unfortunately, I have to link it instead of putting up the picture. Something's strange with the home computer (aside from the missing "c" button).


Candidate 6: Kyrisma by Steve Madden

Likes: Cosmonauts, Strutting

Dislikes: unpedicured feet, St. Louis crack alleys

http://a1216.g.akamai.net/f/1216/955/6h/images2.nordstrom.com/ImageGallery/store/Product/Gigantic/9/_5367429.jpg

Here Comes the Dress

As a non-gay male friend of mine pointed out, it's hard to pick the shoe if you don't know what the dress looks like. The dress is floor length and turquoise.

Shoe-lemma

I need your help. Please vote for your favorite shoe. I will be wearing the winner to my sister's wedding. The winning selection will be in silver.

Candidate 1: Witness by Richard Tyler

Likes: Short walks down the aisle, testifying at trial.

Dislikes: Gold

Candidate 2: Lolly by Steve Madden

Likes: Drinking gin in the rectory. Period. (& stripper poles)

Dislikes: Federal Prison (Get it? Steve Madden?)

Candidate 3: Rich n' Post by Kenneth Cole Reaction

Likes: Stepping on hems, being strewn under a buffet table.

Dislikes: Vaulting its owner into a sidewalk

Candidate 4: Rags to Riches by Kenneth Cole Reaction

Likes: ABBA, Slipping on the same beer that stained the front of my owner's dress

Dislikes: Overreactions

Candidate 5: Gurich by BCBGirls

Likes: Birthday parties, Molly Ringwald

Dislikes: Townies