Scales

I have an aversion to scales. It probably began after being forced to "weigh in" as a child by my parents. I'd step on the yellow, shag-covered scale in their master bathroom, glance down at the reading, feel a flutter of panic in my heart, and then look at the horrified and/or disappointed expression on face of my mom. Once I became an adult, I decided I wouldn't allow those numbers to create a fluttering of panic in my heart.

For a decade, I gave the standard warning to the nurse at the doctor's office that I would step on the scale only if she promised to not tell me my weight. Then, after receiving a confused, "OK," I'd step on the scale backwards.

During the last decade, I think I've managed to weigh myself on only two occasions. I was 155 lbs at age 20 in 1998. I was 166 lbs in 2004 at age 25. The only previous weigh-in that I recall was in 1992, during a jr. high gym class where we were required to determine our body fat content. I was 142 lbs.

So, 24 lbs doesn't sound that bad over a 12 year period, especially when the first was taken before I'd finished growing. However, I would only weigh myself when I felt like I was on the lower end of the scale. I ranged from a size 10-12 to a size 18 during that time.

However, at age 28, I've given in. I have now paid money to have myself weighed 3 times per week for the next 43 weeks, and then 2 times per week for the subsequent 58 weeks. I signed up for L.A. Weightloss, at the bequest of my mother and her promise that my parents would pay for it as my Christmas gift. What a bitterly disappointing gift...

I had my first appointment last week. Initially, I filled out a long form that included what I wanted my goal weight to be. I thought about it, realistically, and decided on 150 lbs. I learned later that the weight counselor thought this was still too much, but I refused to budge. Afterall, based on my height and build, the appropriate range is 142-160 lbs.

Then, the moment of truth (shame). I stepped on the scale with much hesitation. The number came up and I blinked back tears as I stared in shame at the number. 235 lbs and some change. My first thought: I'm fatter than Oprah was at her heaviest. She weighed a mere 227 lbs. I was 85 lbs overweight. I suspected I was close to 200 lbs, if not a little over. However, my lack of use of the scale, along with a lot of denial, allowed me to underestimate how much weight was required to reach a size 20-22.

After a hug from the weight counselor (more embarassment, really), we got down to business. This is the long and short of it: It will take 43 weeks to reach my goal weight of 150 lbs, and I would lose an average of 2 lbs per week on their program. So, I should be at my goal weight by September 17, 2007. That's a long time to wait...

The reasons I've started this blog:
1. I want a diary to document my process.
2. I'm pretty sure I'm going to need an outlet.
3. It's easier to put it on here than calling 10 of you to cry about my frustration (note: that does not mean I won't still call 10 of you crying).
4. It will keep my accountable (I hope).
5. It will constantly force me away from denial. id.
6. It will take the shame out of it (again, I hope).

I've dealt with weight issues since I was 8. My hope is that this program will work, my mother will shut her mouth, and weight will become a non-issue in my life. I really doubt the second and third will come true, but since I've exhausted my Christmas gift list, I should get at least two wishes.